Joe's Journal

( spoilers )

Title: Breathing Sweetly
Rating : NC-17
Author: lilyseyes
Word Count: 100x5
Challenge:snarry100 #188: Hearth and Home and #187: Methods of Communications
Warnings: * Mpreg, fluff*
Disclaimer: JKR owns the Potterverse – I just play in it. No money is made from these amateur works.
Summary: Glimpses life with the Potter-Snape family. Another in the Breathe Series
Thanks to the_minx_17 for the once over! *smishes you*

Breathing Sweetly

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Title The Thank God You're Not Dead Kiss
Characters Lester/Blade
Fandom Primeval
Rating 12
Prompt Thankful ( 25 Moods )
Series More Delightful Than Wine
Summary Set during the S2 finale. Blade and Lester share a moment.
Author's Note Thanks to fred for the beta and for the use of Blade. Thanks to Luka and Jack for their help as well. As always, this is for Fiona :D

( The Thank God You're Not Dead Kiss )

Wow. I think I have to watch this ep twice at least to get all its nuances.

( spoilers )

Thanks (I think) to fjm on lj for pointing me at the winners of this year's Bad Sex Awards these are definitely NC17, all het-male pov and confirm my belief that, in this area at least, amateurs do it better.

Though I have to admit that I don't think that Richard Millward belongs in this company - his scene has an authentic ring to it, and at least has the virtue of being intentionally funny.

Welcome to a new Thursday and a new weekly challenge.

This week our prompt is:

Challenge 189: Wizard Space

Interpret however you like, and, as always, have fun!

Get Your Sexy Name

Question:  Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby..

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

octopon - Pirates of DarkWater fandom asylum. Completed!

gotham_gazetteCompleted!</i>

vagrant_story - Vagrant Story fandom asylum. Pending/WIP.

Please keep in mind that I will be retiring Vagrant Story and Gotham Gazette if no further interest is shown.

And,

Please feel free to join commedia; a personal project of mine, aiming to review and analyze comics (and other selected media) that feature DC Comics' The Joker.

It is currently a WIP because I am still going through my 500+ hardcopy!issues collection. I do not download torrents/scans.

Two important polls need to be voted on, as seen here explaining two routes the asylum's project can take. IE: spoiler free reviews, spoilerific reviews, etc. This asylum will continue to be WIP until further interest is shown.

I am also open to affiliating with other comic book and/or Batman related asylums, except for RPGs.

(Last one of these for the night.)

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
     Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat  and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly  removed.       
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.     
 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the  toilet seat by simply using the sink.       
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut  yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus, reducing the pressure in your veins.     
5 A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,  will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.     
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.    
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a  hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.       

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.  "Look, Michael.  Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth .  .  .  "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor -Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot,  while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God..  "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests.  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?  You said there would be balance!"

God smiled, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the other Washington."

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do you think I will continue to sleep on

the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door......

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 
3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, and don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. If I didn't already have kids, I'd likely have pets.

Pass this on to all your pet loving friends as well as those who aren't... it's too cute not to share.

More from the email files...

You might be a Floridian if...

* You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan.

* Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time.

* You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color.

* You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy".

* Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in".

* Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it.

* You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months.

* You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster.

* You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means.

* You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood.

* You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw.

* Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted.

* You now own 5 large ice chests.

* Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down".

* You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations.

* You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street.

* You're depressed when they don't stop.

* You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer.

* You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags.

* You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw.

* You know what "Bar chain oil" is.

* You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas.

* You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable.

* You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice".

* Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy".

* You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric.

* And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

* You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

Title: Four Times the Job Went Bad, and One Time It Didn't
Fandom: Devil May Cry
Claim: Dante/Cat
Author: jlsigman
Theme Set: Five Set 01

01: Blood
02: Food
03: Sand
04: Serpent
05: Lies

http://asylums.insanejournal.com/labyrinthfans/

For fans of either David Bowie and Jennifer Connolly and Jim Henson and Brian Froud.

I am Colleen (ninetieschic) on this and Sam will probably choose some outlandish un.. no doubt lol.

( spoilers )

( spoilers )

"I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it."
Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964)

Title: The Deluxe Tour
Author: angela_snape
Pairing: Draco Malfoy/Charlie Weasley
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~2300
Summary: Draco Malfoy goes to Romania to learn about dragon-induced injuries, but gets distracted by a certain dragon handler along the way.
Disclaimer: The characters contained herein are not mine. No money is being made from this fiction, which is presented for entertainment purposes only.
Highlight for Warnings: *semi-public sex, oral sex, rimming, anal sex*
AN: Thank you very much to my beta, leela_cat, who greatly improved this story. Any further mistakes are mine alone. Written for lilyseyes in fall_fantasia, 2009.

The Deluxe Tour

Title: The Deluxe Tour
Author: angela_snape
Pairing: Draco Malfoy/Charlie Weasley
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~2300
Summary: Draco Malfoy goes to Romania to learn about dragon-induced injuries, but gets distracted by a certain dragon handler along the way.
Disclaimer: The characters contained herein are not mine. No money is being made from this fiction, which is presented for entertainment purposes only.
Highlight for Warnings: *semi-public sex, oral sex, rimming, anal sex*
AN: Thank you very much to my beta, leela_cat, who greatly improved this story. Any further mistakes are mine alone. Written for lilyseyes in fall_fantasia, 2009.

The Deluxe Tour